Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Rage - The Unspoken Scary Symptom of PND

There's one symptom of Postnatal Depression (PND), that no one likes to talk about. One symptom so scary that you often wonder whether you have completely lost who you are. You become too ashamed to even mention it to anyone for fear of judgement and misunderstanding. You basically worry about being accused of being a terrible mother (or father). Perhaps you don't even realise it is a symptom of PND because no one has mentioned it to you. It's way too taboo. Let's talk about rage, the unspoken, scary symptom of PND.


There I am in the kitchen, it's 8.05am. Hubby is running around, already late for work but busy, trying to help me get the kids ready for the school run. He knows full well that some days , these normal, daily tasks are too overwhelming for me so he stays to make things easier but he needs to leave.

I haven't had breakfast, the kids are messing about with theirs, I realise I have work to do, emails to get out, washing to be done, food shopping to be done, the list is apparently endless. I can't possibly get any of this achieved by 8.45am before we need to leave. My phone starts ringing, my toddler throws a tantrum, I look at the time. I'm already talking faster, breathing quicker, blood pressure rising. 

I usher my eldest to go and get dressed but she potters around, I attempt to make myself breakfast, I ignore the phone ringing and the dog mulling around my feet (why is he always in the way?), I start to panic. Then the baby throws all of her food on the floor. It comes quicker than you can imagine. The tension is fast and furious. My face gets redder and hotter. My body feels heavy and my legs feel weak. Stress and panic swirl around me like a tornado. I'm spinning and losing control. Then bam, enter the hurricane and storm. 

I snap!! I snap badly. The rage is like nothing you can imagine and it's uncontrollable. I'm left screaming at anybody that can hear me. It's like as if the words are being dragged from my mouth and I can't stop them. I can't take them back. I shout, I scream, I want to throw things, smash things, no one ever listens to me!!!!

Then comes the guilt. I'm crying. Crying so much my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't see. I want to be left alone. I hate everyone and worst of all I hate myself. What have I become? I'm a shit mum. Everyone would be better off without me. I can't do this. I'm rubbish at it. Why am I so angry? 

And that's what a rage episode looks like. They are unexpected and unwanted. They turn me into something no one can recognise and that is what is most frightening. My husband is frightened of me, my children are frightened of me and I am afraid of myself. I feel so ugly and so ashamed by the rage.

The smallest of things can set me off but looking back it's usually a build up of lots of minor triggers that lead to a huge explosion. It's also not always a massive outburst. I can just be nasty or angry, making snide comments or not wanting to do anything for anyone. Sometimes i'm a monster and sometimes i'm an alien.

The guilt I feel because of this symptom is ginormous. It weighs down on me and traps me. It makes my heart hurt. I love my family very much and wouldn't ever want to upset them and hurt their feelings yet it keeps happening again and again.

Its taken me a while to accept this as a symptom of PND. I honestly thought I was going mad. I thought I was alone and that no one would ever understand this side of me. 

After recently, tragically losing a family member to a mental health illness, I have vowed to talk more about mental health on my blog. I will share with you the good, the bad and the damn right ugly. Nobody should feel alone. Nobody should feel that they can't speak or ask for help. 


So come on let's talk about it. Have you ever suffered with anger or rage as part of your PND or mental health illness?






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17 comments

  1. I'm not sure if my previous comment came through? But You're right, I hadn't really thought of it as a symptom of PND. I think it is wrongly just associated with feeling down. Knowing what the triggers are is so important. It isn't always possible to remove yourself from the situation when you have little ones, but when possible it makes such a difference. Hugs x

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    1. I don't think many people do which is why I wanted to talk about it. x

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  2. Oh I'm so sorry you have had a difficult time, depression, anxiety and stress are really difficult to deal with. It's so difficult juggling everything, but I'm so glad your husband is there to support you. I personally believe that children are very adaptable, by exposing them to different emotions such as anger isn't always negative. It may actually help them understand different behaviours. I find yoga, meditation and nature walks are so helpful when I'm feeling low, stressed or anxious. Sending love xx

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  3. Aww hun hugs xx i also been there myself and with a help and support of my husband i managed to unprove x what its important is the fat that is ok not to be ok x we are not machines or super humans you got this ❤️

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  4. I'm a PND sufferer and I hate this side of it. It's so easy just to snap sometimes isn't it and there's no control over it either!

    So sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time of it and I hope it eases up for you soon!

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  5. Your honesty is so inspiring and I'm sure this blog post will help someone realise they're not alone :)

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  6. A very raw and honest post. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Wow I can completely relate to this. PND is so real and so horrible. Honestly is so helpful though. The moment I spoke up, the moment I started to feel less guilty and more human. I don't remember the day it went, but I remember the relief I felt when I realised it had been a while since I felt this way. My heart is going out to you right now. You're definitely not alone. xx

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    1. Thank you. You're right as soon as you start talking about it, it becomes a bit easier x

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  8. I never thought of rage as a symptom, but I can get like this sometimes - a build of up things make me snap. I suffer with anxiety & I'm now wondering if it's possibly related too. It's also much worse now I'm pregnant... Sending love x

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  9. Hun, I could have written this myself. My rage sometimes scares me. I've increased my meds recently simply because of this. I can literally feel myself shaking through anger, heart pounding and then I just lose it. I've never been like this before, definitely PND! I hate it xx

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this Kerry!
    I'd never associated my rage with one and anxiety until really recently as I just never knew it was. I just thought I was a horrible person and the guilt is immense. I wish I could take back all those outbursts but I can't, so I'm just focusing on limiting the future ones.
    Sending you bigs hugs lovely, this isn't us - we are ill and we are getting help! Xxx

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  11. I am glad you wrote this, this is me since having my third 2 years ago. I have been feeling really anxious the last year and thought that I am not quite right but this has made me think. Perhaps I should ho and talk to someone?

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  12. Sending you so much love sweetie. This side of depression terrifies me and lately I’ve been suffering so badly, so I can really relate to your words. Please be kind to yourself xxx

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