If you follow me on Facebook then you may have seen that I was recently mum shamed and judged by the new mum police. These new mums really went for me, however, out of their surprise (and my own), they picked on the wrong mama as I left them with jaws to the floor and my head held high.



Here's what happened...

Whilst walking the girls to feed the ducks after school, Ophelia (who's 2.5) decided to throw one of her epic terrible two’s tantrums (about the 7th of the day) which involved lying on the floor kicking and screaming. You know the type of tantrum where they fling themselves back and nothing you can do or say will console them?! It was one of those.

Eva (who's 5 going on 15) decided to keep going ahead of me. I could still see her, she wasn’t far. We were near no roads as along a path by a field. I shouted to Eva to wait ahead. 

This is where the new mums appeared. I could feel their daggers through my back, stabbing me multiple times. They strolled passed with their prams and glared. Not content with just glaring they then decided to stop and turn around and look at me in disgust. One of them decided to take it when step further and said to me confidently "your child is in distress are you going to actually help her or just keep standing there'? 

My blood was boiling. First off what the hell is with Mum judgement?! The three of them were clearly in newborn bubble stage and there they were judging me, stressed out Mum of two young children. My response went like this:

"Are you first time parents? (they said yes)". I explained this was a toddler tantrum and my child was in no means in distress but thanked them for their expert parenting opinion which I had not asked for. Not content with my answer they then criticised the fact that Eva was ahead of me on her own. They really wanted to make me feel useless. Not today lovelies, this mama wasn't having any of it.

This is where I took a deep breath and instead of getting into an argument (believe you me and me, I had to really restrain myself from telling them to fuck off), I decided to tell them how hurtful they were being by judging me. How disrespectful they were. How they can’t make assumptions about situations they know nothing about. I told them, had I not been on anti depressants for postnatal depression (PND) that their judgement would have had me crying all evening and shutting myself away in the bathroom and locking the door. I told them that I would have cried so much to the point where I would have been sick and that would have caused me to have a panic attack. I then explained that my anxiety would’ve meant I wouldn’t have left the house with the girls for a good few days for fear of being JUDGED for my bad parenting and being a shit mum. I then responded that luckily for them I’ve been on anti depressants for a few months now and I am a stronger, more confident Mum who couldn't give a shit what they thought about my parenting. I explained that I hope no one ever does to them what they’ve done to me today and that in future they want to take a long hard look in the mirror before judging other people’s behaviours. I then wished them a lovely day and told them to enjoy the sunshine. 

I walked away from that encounter feeling incredible. Their mum judgement and shaming hadn't had the effect they'd desired. Instead of making me feel like shit, it made me feel fantastic. It made me feel like me again. It was such a pivotal moment in my PND journey as I finally felt like a strong, confident mum again. 



I was literally skipping down the path singing 'THIS IS ME' from 'The Greatest Showman'. I felt powerful, happy and in control. Most of all I was starting to recognise myself again.

To sum up don't judge other mama's (or dad's for that matter), stick together, show some love and support and we can all sing 'This is me' together. 

There's one symptom of Postnatal Depression (PND), that no one likes to talk about. One symptom so scary that you often wonder whether you have completely lost who you are. You become too ashamed to even mention it to anyone for fear of judgement and misunderstanding. You basically worry about being accused of being a terrible mother (or father). Perhaps you don't even realise it is a symptom of PND because no one has mentioned it to you. It's way too taboo. Let's talk about rage, the unspoken, scary symptom of PND.

There I am in the kitchen, it's 8.05am. Hubby is running around, already late for work but busy, trying to help me get the kids ready for the school run. He knows full well that some days , these normal, daily tasks are too overwhelming for me so he stays to make things easier but he needs to leave.

I haven't had breakfast, the kids are messing about with theirs, I realise I have work to do, emails to get out, washing to be done, food shopping to be done, the list is apparently endless. I can't possibly get any of this achieved by 8.45am before we need to leave. My phone starts ringing, my toddler throws a tantrum, I look at the time. I'm already talking faster, breathing quicker, blood pressure rising. 

I usher my eldest to go and get dressed but she potters around, I attempt to make myself breakfast, I ignore the phone ringing and the dog mulling around my feet (why is he always in the way?), I start to panic. Then the baby throws all of her food on the floor. It comes quicker than you can imagine. The tension is fast and furious. My face gets redder and hotter. My body feels heavy and my legs feel weak. Stress and panic swirl around me like a tornado. I'm spinning and losing control. Then bam, enter the hurricane and storm. 

I snap!! I snap badly. The rage is like nothing you can imagine and it's uncontrollable. I'm left screaming at anybody that can hear me. It's like as if the words are being dragged from my mouth and I can't stop them. I can't take them back. I shout, I scream, I want to throw things, smash things, no one ever listens to me!!!!

Then comes the guilt. I'm crying. Crying so much my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't see. I want to be left alone. I hate everyone and worst of all I hate myself. What have I become? I'm a shit mum. Everyone would be better off without me. I can't do this. I'm rubbish at it. Why am I so angry? 

And that's what a rage episode looks like. They are unexpected and unwanted. They turn me into something no one can recognise and that is what is most frightening. My husband is frightened of me, my children are frightened of me and I am afraid of myself. I feel so ugly and so ashamed by the rage.

The smallest of things can set me off but looking back it's usually a build up of lots of minor triggers that lead to a huge explosion. It's also not always a massive outburst. I can just be nasty or angry, making snide comments or not wanting to do anything for anyone. Sometimes i'm a monster and sometimes i'm an alien.

The guilt I feel because of this symptom is ginormous. It weighs down on me and traps me. It makes my heart hurt. I love my family very much and wouldn't ever want to upset them and hurt their feelings yet it keeps happening again and again.

Its taken me a while to accept this as a symptom of PND. I honestly thought I was going mad. I thought I was alone and that no one would ever understand this side of me. 

After recently, tragically losing a family member to a mental health illness, I have vowed to talk more about mental health on my blog. I will share with you the good, the bad and the damn right ugly. Nobody should feel alone. Nobody should feel that they can't speak or ask for help. 


So come on let's talk about it. Have you ever suffered with anger or rage as part of your PND or mental health illness?

"You don't look like someone with PND (postnatal depression)". I can't tell you how many times I've heard this said to me. I've heard it said to me so many times that quite often it has left me questioning myself and my diagnosis. This got me thinking. What does someone with PND look like? The answer is easy really, it could be anyone.



It could be the young mum, the older mum, the mum with the sunglasses, the mum crying, the mum who laughs all the time, the mum who is perfect, the mum with the bouncy blow dry, the mum not returning any of your calls, it could even be a dad. It could be the person that looks like they have everything. It could even be a celebrity. I wrote a poem called To the Mum with PND, You are not alone which also highlights who may be suffering. You can read it here, PND POEM.

The point i'm trying to make is that people think depression has a look. They expect people to look and act in a certain way. They expect is to be fairly obvious if someone is suffering with mental illness, when in reality, it's actually quite the opposite. 

I've also had the following said to me on more that one occasion:
"But you always look so happy"
"You always go out and go places"
"You can't be depressed you've just be on holiday"
"You don't look depressed you're always smiling"

If you saw me on a daily basis you wouldn't know I suffer with PND. I've become excellent at  hiding it. You see, people who suffer with PND wear a mask. They mask the reality of their feelings because of the shame they think it brings them. I don't want people to think I can't cope or that I struggle. I don't want people talking about me as if i'm some sort of terrible mother. I wouldn't want people to see me at my worst. My mask hides the feelings of guilt.

Don't get me wrong there are days when I am genuinely happy. I have so many good days and they outweigh the bad days now. Some days I am a Mother warrior when I get everything done. I manage to take the kids out, I tend to the house and I genuinely enjoy myself.

However, it's important to remember that not everybody that is depressed is crying. In fact most of them don't cry that often and they certainly don't cry 24/7. They actually may be smiling or laughing. 

People with PND are able to perfect a facade. The facade enables sufferers to feel strong and powerful and makes them feel like they are fighting their illness. I may smile 24/7 around other people but you can't judge my mental health on that as you'll never know what pain my mind is putting me through behind my smile. 

So to the people that have used the phrase "you don't look like someone with PND", what do you think of these people?








Every one of these pictures is someone that has suffered with PND. You wouldn't know it by looking at them would you?

Just remember it's not often those that you think would suffer that actually do.

This week I had somewhat of a breakdown. Whilst driving and listening to the usual sounds of the 'Now that's what I call Disney' album, one song made me sit up and listen. I can't tell you how many times i've heard it before but on that particular day, it really struck a chord. Perhaps it's because that day I was letting my PND win. I was having a bad day. I was sad, things weren't going well at home. It had been one bad thing after another. After fighting my anxiety off and deciding to try and attempt to turn the day around, I got the girls in the car and we headed out. Little did I know that Mulan and Christina Aguilera were about to send me to rock bottom but also show me too climb back out.