Sunday 11 June 2017

A Timeline of the Mum Hangover

You've got an invite out. Childcare is sorted. You've had the date arranged for months as let's face it, that's how long it takes you and your friends to sort out a date you can all make. The big night arrives. You've been ready since 6pm as you're excited to dress up for a change. You go out thinking you can still handle your drink. Through excitement you drink a bottle of wine in less than an hour. You do shots. You drink, you have fun. You make it through the night, still feeling epic and stumble into a taxi in the early hours of the morning thinking Mama's still got it. You get home, you start to feel a bit wobbly. You open the bedroom window. You jump into bed and bam, let the Mum hangover commence. 

3.00am - Your tummy starts hurting. You're tossing at turning. You feel like you've been asleep for hours but when you look at the clock it has only be 15 minutes.

3.20am - You can't shake that rumbling in your belly. Are you going to be sick? Yes you're going to be sick? No it's ok, you feel fine.

3.22am - Oh shit where's the toilet. Yep you've been sick. You hate yourself and you're never drinking again.

3.30am - You get back into bed. Back into that deep sleep.

3.50am - You're gonna be sick again. This time you take a pillow with you to the toilet. Doesn't that bathroom look like the most comfiest bedroom in the world right now.

4.30am - The baby starts crying. Oh for FFS!!! You get up, you wobble your way to the nursery. Your head is pounding. You deal with the baby and stumble back to bed.

6am - Your child has come into the room. What's that bouncing on the bed. Your head is pounding. They are using your body as a trampoline. OH MY GOD. You look at the clock and realise you've had about an hours sleep. You reluctantly get up. You feel better than you thought. Uh oh is Mama still pissed?

6.10am - You lie on the sofa, you're very tired. TV is the only way to occupy your child. Peppa Pig it is.

6.30am - You are cursing that damn Pig. Your ears are still ringing, your head is still pounding. That theme tune is going around and around in your head. You find some paracetamol.

7.30am - Breakfast time. You really want a greasy fry up. You make one. The kids want cereals. However, when they see your breakfast they want it. You pass it over cause that's what mums do and you eat the bowl of rice krispies. 

7.45am - Your tummy is turning over. You're not going to be sick again surely?

8.30am - You feel like you've been awake for a lifetime. Could this day get any longer. You decide to get dressed and attempt to do something. You jump in the shower and the scent of Tequila and Sambuca starts oozing from your skin. Where's the toilet??!!

9.00am - You try and help get the kids dressed. Yes child wear whatever you want. You attempt to change the baby but as you kneel down your whole body starts feeling heavy as if a rock has just landed on your back. Your head is thumping. You want to cry. You question your existence and your life.

11.00am - TV has become your best friend today. You've plonked the kids in-front of it and have found the reruns of Paw Patrol almost hypnotic. It's made you paralysed to the sofa. You just can't move.

12.00pm - Kids have raided the treat cupboard. Finally an epic idea you can jump on board with. Yes kids let's eat everything and that crisp sandwich sounds like an awesome idea for lunch.

13.00pm - Your eyes are heavy. Every inch of your body is aching. Maybe you're getting the flu? Why does your body hurt so much to move? It couldn't possibly be all the alcohol or the dancing you did. You proclaim your innocence to everybody. It wasn't the alcohol, you are a responsible person after all. You're definitely coming down with something.

15.00pm - You're head is still pounding but now it's also from the lego that's being bashed on your head constantly. Suddenly every noise becomes unbearable and loud. The jumperoo tune is going constantly, Nick Jr songs are on repeat. You question how loud your child is. Maybe they have a problem with their hearing? They can't be that loud surely?

16.00pm - You're counting the hours down until bedtime. You hate your life!

17.00pm - Dinner time! Whoooooop! You've been ravenous all day. You gulp it down in record time but that tummy cramp comes back.

18.00pm - You have a date with that beloved toilet again. Vom! You've also been at this toilet with your bad belly more times than you care for. You've pooped more times than your baby does in a day. You question what has happened to your body.

19.00pm - You've made it to bedtime. Routine goes out of the window, No bath this evening, no bedtime story, let's just all go to sleep. 

20.00pm - You're going to have an early night cause you're so tired. But wait, you've got so much to do. School uniforms to prepare, ironing, washing, cleaning. 

21.00pm - You are never, ever drinking again. You've told everyone, next time you will just have one drink and be sensible. This has been the longest day in the history of the world.

23.30pm - The baby is crying. Do I ever get any sleep? Ever!!?!!!! You and your partner have a barny. You get up and deal with the baby.

23.45pm - You reach for more paracetamols but you've popped so many that day you've ran out. You curse. You curse everything.

6.00am the following day - Boing, boing. Wakey, wakey. It's a new day but that body of yours still feels heavy and you're still tired.

16.00pm the following day - You're still tired, your body still aches all over. You declare you are never, ever going out again. You keep asking yourself why were you so stupid? Why was I so irresponsible?

13.00pm +2 days - Why are you still so tired? You still feel rough. You're too old for all this shit! Never again.

20.00pm + 3 days - You receive a message in your what's app group conversation with your mates. How fun was the other night? When shall we do it again? You arrange a date. See you in 3 months.

Thank you to Pudding and Chops for sending me these hilarious milestone cards. You can get your own alternative milestone cards here, Pudding and Chops.



  1. OMG this is the reason I hardy ever drink any more. I can have fun without drink and it just isn't worth this the next day ha ha.

  2. Oh my gosh this made me laugh out loud! Thanks

  3. What an amusing post, i can definiately relate to the hangover, even though i'm not a mom

  4. haha this is funny! I don't drink but a late night seems to do just the same to me ha x

  5. Haha, this made me laugh. I don't drink much, so don't really have experience with hangovers, but I could totally relate to the milestone cards - especially the 'who needs sleep' one!

  6. Haha, I feel your pain! My kids are thankfully old enough to pretty much cater for themselves if needs as I definitely suffer now if I have a night out. Oh I wish I was young again when we could party all night and still manage a day at work the next day!

  7. Oh my i had a good giggle at this, then i shuddered thinking back to my first night out after i had my first born...oh it was not good, i woke in the spare room no idea how i got there, how i got home, no friends told me i flashed everyone my boobs at some point and after i started panicking, they told me they were joking!i swear once you have kids, its a week long hangover!

    1. Haha I laughed out loud at this. Sounds just like me x

  8. This is actually such a cool post! I was so interesting in knowing what was going to happen to you in the next hour! I am actually really inspired for my next post!

  9. I cannot remember the last time I went out and drank!! Love this post and the milestone cards are just fab! Kaz x

  10. Haha, oh this made me laugh! The aftermath of a night out is always so much harder as a mama! x

  11. Love those cards and this is why I don't drink anymore (or not very often or very much!)

  12. Haa haa, this made me chuckle. I learned a long time ago not to go out and drink to much, I just cannot function the next day

  13. I can so relate. Parenting can be so hard on some days. Lol.

  14. Hahahaha I laughed so hard at this. I did this one time after Evie was born and now whenever I join my friends I only have a little bit of alcohol on a lot of food and I make sure I'm home by midnight like Cinderella. x

  15. Yep, this was me on Saturday! How is it that motherhood has such an impact on our tolerance to alcohol!

  16. I'm a lightweight so one glass of wine and I'm ready to go to sleep! No hangovers ever!

  17. Brilliant! That really made me laugh. I can't handle my drink after having a child. x

  18. This post, has totally had me in stitches. All because it's so bleeding true lol! Oh how I love to hate Togo out.


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