Most of us have our ideas about what makes a relationship healthy, on paper. Words like trust, respect and kindness might crop up if you were asked to name the qualities of a healthy relationship, but the problem is that in practice, things arent always 100% straightforward. Sometimes peoples actions and behaviours doesn’t always come with a neat label and they could be contradicting or be explained away. You might be in something that seems mostly fine on the surface, but there’s this low level unease that’s hard to name. Or maybe things look good from the outside, but you’ve got that voice in your head that keeps wondering if this is how it’s supposed to feel.
Respect Isn’t Complicated
At the core of any healthy relationship is respect. Not in the formal, old fashioned sense, but just the regular day to day stuff, listening to each other properly, not talking over each other, not being dismissive or sarcastic when something matters to the other person. Being able to disagree without it turning nasty. That kind of thing. It’s not about never arguing. Most couples do. But the way those disagreements go says a lot. If someone shuts down every time there’s a problem or flips it round to make it your fault, that’s not a good sign.
The Subtle Red Flags
Red flags really can be subtle. You might tell yourself they’re just not great at talking or that they don’t mean it when they say something harsh. And maybe they don’t, but if you’re always left second guessing how they’ll react, or if you find yourself shrinking a bit just to keep the peace, it’s worth paying attention to that. There are red flags that are easy to miss because they don’t always show up the way you’d expect. Controlling behaviour isn’t always loud or dramatic. You might hear something like I love you in that, not sure why you’d want to wear anything else and think it’s a compliment. Or I just don’t like that friend, they seem off and it sounds like they’re looking out for you. But if you zoom out and notice it’s happening more and more, and certain people or choices are being chipped away at, it starts to look a bit different.
How You Feel Matters
Another thing to look at is how you feel about yourself in the relationship. Not just when everything’s going well, but on a normal Wednesday. Do you feel safe, supported, like your ideas and needs matter? Or are you walking on eggshells, adjusting and apologising for things that shouldn’t need explaining?
Trust Isn’t Just About Cheating
Then there’s trust, and not just in the obvious sense- being able to be open about small things without it coming back to bite you later. That kind of everyday trust that lets you relax. If you’re holding back or keeping things to yourself just to avoid a reaction, even if it feels small, it adds up.
Take a Step Back
None of this is black and white. Most relationships are messy and people have their flaws and baggage and off days, but if you’re constantly trying to make sense of their behaviour or coming up with reasons to explain it away to your friends, it might be time to take a breath and really sit with it. If you know things have gone to far, reach out to a helpline or a legal expert like Harper Macleod LLP who can give you advice. That’s not easy, especially when you care deeply or you’ve built a life around this person. But when something is actually good for you, you don’t spend all your time managing it. You just feel like you can exhale a bit and be yourself, without that knot in your stomach waiting for something to go wrong.
*This is a collaborative post*
