But what about me?!

As you probably know last November I gave birth to our 2nd beautiful baby girl, Ophelia. From the outside most people would have viewed this as the happiest time of our lives. I was able to take beautiful photographs and share them with you. I'm sure people thought it looked great but things weren't all it seemed. I have always been very good at covering my feelings up and putting on a brave face.

This post is probably one I should never write and perhaps readers won't understand it without being in the situation themselves. You see expecting and having a baby is supposed to be a happy time and bring so much love, joy and happiness to everyone. It's exciting. Family are thrilled. Babies symbolise love and light. But sadly this wasn't the case for us.

I'll take you back to where it started, February 2015. I had been at a blogging event all day and couldn't stop weeing. I got home did a pregnancy test and it was postive. Hubby and I were ecstatic. This time around we decided we would tell our immediate family straight away. I was only 4 weeks but we decided that with it being our 2nd baby, I may need help and support from them if I was tired. I skyped my mum and sisters (they live in Australia), we told my dad and my in laws. They were all very happy. We were on cloud 9.

Then a few weeks later my mother in law became very ill. It was a rapid deteroritaton that came out of nowhere. For someone that fit and healthy to be that ill was quite a shock. I won't go into too many details out of respect for my husband's side of the family but the short of it was that she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. From the off we were told that there was going to be no happy outcome with the illness. 

Everything was a waiting game. We didn't know how long she would survive. She kept fighting it and fighting it. She needed around the clock care and support but she was at her own home.

She eventually was admitted to a hospice in October. My due date was the 12th November. My husband had time off work to go there everyday. To cut a long story short. I had Ophelia on the 21st and she passed away 4 days later. If you read my blog post called My PostNatal Stay In Hospital, you will know I was stuck in there for over a week with an infection. Therefore, I was in hospital when she passed away. 

I've had to write this post as a form of release as I honestly feel I need to talk to someone about all this. Perhaps counsilling will be the way forward. 

I don't want to come across as selfish and please understand that this is not my personality. I don't need to be the centre of attention or anything like that but during my pregnancy and for the month after I had Ophelia,  I have never felt so alone and scared in all my life. I was upset and depressed and I couldn't tell anyone as when I did it was all thrown back in my face. I tried to reach out to family members and my husband on many occasions but it was always brushed off.

You see last year was a big year for me too. Not only was I expecting our 2nd child but it was also my 30th birthday which I felt was an important one. That was all forgotten about too. 

I struggled with the pregnancy. I work in an operating theatre so I was on my feet all day. I would then come home and look after Eva, who was 2 so always on the go and requiring attention. I was extremely tired. Nobody seemed to care especially my husband. His mind and attention was always with his mum. 

Whenever I spoke to anyone about how I was feeling, telling them I was alone, struggling, tired and upset, I was always told to suck it up and get on with it. Even my own family did it to me. I was always told how could I moan and say I'm upset when my mother in law was ill etc.

I had 2 bleeds towards the end of the pregnancy which they put down to stress and not having any rest. On the 2 occasions I was admitted to hospital, I went alone. No husband by my side. Not a soul.

When I was having contractions my husband just left the house and spent most of the time at the hospice. He eventually came back and we went to the hospital. He didn't hold my hand. He didn't offer me any support. He was completely disinterested.

As you can imagine. When she passed away the loneliness escalated. I had to attend the funeral with a 1 week old baby. I'd had a cesarean. I'd just had a baby. I'd been in hospital for a week. No one was bothered. The sympathy cards were coming but no new baby cards. 

In the end I decided I needed to be with my family and we booked a last minute trip to Australia on boxing day. Whilst here I made the decision with my husband to stay here for 3 months and he return home where he could grieve alone. 

I hope I haven't come across as a horrible person. I'm really not. Having a baby should be a wonderful time but it was honestly the worst time ever for me. I cried pretty much every day during my pregnancy and in the weeks after. 

I understand that it was a difficult time for my husband and his family. It was for everyone. But I was going through a lot too and I was alone. There were times when I didn't want the baby. I hated myself for even saying it but this is how everyone made me feel. 

This time in Australia has allowed me to become a happier person again and has made me appreciate how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful, healthy girls.

I needed this time away from the upset back in the UK. I've now only got 2 weeks left here in Australia. I'm extremely anxious about my return home which is why I felt the need to writ this post and get a lot off my chest. I'm so worried that my life will be the way it was when I left. I'm worried I will be alone. I'm worried that no one will care or be interested.

Have you ever had anything like this happen to you?